When Your Partner Doesn’t Understand Your Trauma

It can be incredibly challenging when your partner doesn't understand your trauma. Trauma can have a profound impact on a person's life and having a partner who doesn't grasp the depth of your experiences can be frustrating and isolating, right?  It feels like they're not listening, or worse, like they're minimizing your experience.

Ok, Let's start off with a little story--one that is all too common in intimate relationships where one partner just doesn't seem to understand.

Imagine Sarah. She went through a really rough childhood, filled with neglect and abuse. Now, years later, she's working hard to heal. She'd found a supportive therapist and was learning coping mechanisms, but sometimes, simple things triggered intense anxiety. Loud noises, sudden movements, even the way someone looked at her could send her into a spiral of fear and panic. She was trying to build a healthy life, but these triggers were a constant reminder of her past.

Mark, her partner, was a wonderful guy. He loved her deeply and wanted to support her. He just didn't understand the *why* behind her reactions. He often felt frustrated when she'd react strongly to something seemingly insignificant, like a sudden clap of thunder, or a loud sneeze from a stranger.

Where are Mark's weaknesses in supporting Sarah?

• Difficulty understanding the triggers: Mark struggled to comprehend the connection between a seemingly harmless event and Sarah's overwhelming response. He'd often try to reason with her, saying things like, "It was just a little noise, why are you reacting like that?" He didn't realize that for Sarah, these triggers weren't about the present moment, but about the past.

  
  

• Minimizing her experience: Sometimes, when Sarah tried to explain her trauma and how it affected her, Mark would dismiss it, saying things like, "Everyone gets a little jumpy sometimes," or "You're just overreacting." This made her feel invalidated and misunderstood.

  
  

• Inability to empathize with the emotional response: Mark wasn't used to dealing with intense emotional reactions to everyday events and didn't know how to respond appropriately.

  
  

One evening, a loud fireworks display lit up the sky. Sarah, sitting on the patio with Mark, flinched visibly when a particularly loud boom echoed through the air. Her breathing became shallow, and her muscles tensed. Mark, seeing her reaction, frowned. "Come on, it's just fireworks. Relax," he said, patting her hand.

Sarah's eyes welled up. She tried to explain, "It's...it's like a thousand little explosions all at once. It reminds me of..." She trailed off, unable to articulate the full force of her trauma. The memory of the constant noise and chaos of her childhood flooded back. She felt trapped, the fear overwhelming.

Mark, confused and a little annoyed, pulled her into a hug, trying to comfort her. "It's okay, I'm here. Just breathe," he said, but his words felt hollow to Sarah. She felt the frustration of not being able to fully communicate what she was experiencing, and the pain of knowing that Mark couldn't truly understand.

This incident highlighted a critical communication breakdown in their relationship. It underscored the importance of patience, empathy, and a willingness to learn about trauma from Sarah's perspective. It was a turning point, though, as Mark began to actively seek information about trauma and how it affects people. He realized that truly supporting Sarah involved understanding, not just dismissing, her reactions.

Here are some steps you can take if you feel like you have a partner similar to Mark:

1. Communication is Key: Start by having an open and honest conversation with your partner. Let them know how their lack of understanding is affecting you and your relationship. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing. For example, say, "I feel hurt and unsupported when I don't feel like you understand my trauma," instead of "You never understand me."

   
   

2. Educate Your Partner: Share information about trauma and its effects with your partner. This can include articles, books, or even therapy resources that explain what you're going through. Encourage your partner to learn more about trauma and its impact, so they can better comprehend your experiences.

   
   

3. Express Your Needs: Clearly communicate what you need from your partner. Whether it's emotional support, patience, or specific actions to help you cope, let them know what would be most helpful. Remember that your partner may genuinely want to support you but might not know how.

   
   

4. Seek Professional Help: If your partner is struggling to understand your trauma, consider attending therapy or counseling together. A therapist can help facilitate discussions, provide education, and offer strategies to improve communication and support within the relationship.

   
   

5. Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries around conversations and situations that may trigger your trauma. Your partner might not fully understand your triggers, so it's important to communicate them clearly and respectfully. Boundaries can help protect your well-being and minimize misunderstandings.

   
   

6. Practice Patience: Remember that understanding trauma can be challenging, especially if your partner hasn't experienced it themselves. It may take time for them to grasp the complexity of your feelings and experiences. Be patient and allow them space to learn and grow.

   
   

7. Self-Care: Prioritize self-care to manage your trauma symptoms and emotional well-being. This can include therapy, support groups, mindfulness, and self-compassion. When you take care of yourself, you'll be in a better position to navigate the challenges in your relationship.

   
   

8. Consider Their Perspective: Try to empathize with your partner's point of view. They may be trying their best to support you, but their lack of understanding could be due to their own limitations or fears. Encourage them to share their feelings and concerns as well.

   
   

9. Evaluate the Relationship: If your partner's lack of understanding persists and they are unwilling to make an effort to learn and support you, you may need to evaluate whether this relationship is healthy and sustainable for your well-being.

   
   

10. Individual and Couples Therapy: If your partner's lack of understanding becomes a significant obstacle in your relationship, consider individual therapy for yourself to work through your trauma, as well as couples therapy to address relationship issues.

    
    

Partners of individuals with trauma histories often face a significant challenge in navigating the complexities of their partner's experiences. While well-meaning and supportive, partners may struggle to comprehend the deeply ingrained effects of past trauma. This lack of understanding can manifest in a variety of ways, including minimizing the severity of the trauma, misinterpreting the partner's reactions to seemingly innocuous stimuli, or failing to recognize the persistent impact of past experiences on present-day behaviors and emotional responses.

This disconnect can create significant strain on the relationship, leading to feelings of isolation, frustration, and a sense that the partner's needs and experiences are not truly valued or understood. Ultimately, this lack of empathy and understanding can hinder the survivor's healing process and potentially damage the relationship itself.

Remember that understanding and healing from trauma can be a lengthy and challenging process, both for you and your partner. Patience, empathy, and open communication are essential ingredients for navigating this difficult situation. Ultimately, the decision about how to move forward in the relationship should prioritize your emotional well-being and safety.

Keep shining & keep growing,

Jen McNeil MSW, LICSW, CCTP